I doubt that I will be able to express this in a way that is coherent.

but, I used to be a pretty bright person (all A's except for one B in college). but ever since depression hit (and a series of suicide attempts) my brain just does not function the way I remember it working. I had a nuropsych exam and the guy assures me that my brain is functioning fine - the slowed motor skills are simply due to the depression.

But WTF. I have this sensation that my brain is working, I can process some crap really well. But not what I WANT to focus on. It is like my brain is having an out-of-body experience. It is floating just above my body - doing its own thing. And just six inches lower I exist without a brain.

Ugh

This lack of being functional makes me ponder "unsafe" ideas.

I am just so tired of existing like this. I am always tired. never motivated. Never fun or happy. I am truly useless.