God I hate this. Been up all night smoked meth. Now stressing because of what I did. Need a job. Need to feel happy. Last night I felt normal and good. But today is going to be twice as bad as before. It's a vicious effing cycle. I need meds. I know I'd be okay if I just went to the doctor and got back on my meds at least half of this crap would disappear. I'm going to make a list of things I really would like to accomplish in the near future.

1. Get full time job with health benefits.

2. Get my own place to live.

3. Seek therapy for BPD.

4. Obtain a lawyer and fight for custody of my children.

5. Live happily ever after.

Of course quit using meth. Getting back on my meds. And getting motivated should be at the top of my list.

And for those of you who may question. I didn't start using meth again until months after I lost custody of the kids. And was clean for years before either of them were even thought of.

And yes I'm pretty pissed at myself for falling back into that particular demons claws.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I'm a waste of space.

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