Hi 1Eleven
First I have to say I'm sorry. I know social phobia is hell. How long have you had it? Is it possible for you to see a psychiatrist? There are several medications available. I've had very good success with Zoloft. Originally introduced as an anti-depressant, sometime later it was discovered to be highly effective in the treatment of social phobia. I have the combo depression/social phobia (also known as social anxiety or SA), and having one med treat both makes a big difference in the wallet (or purse).
The psych doc will give you a short test (list of questions) pertaining to your physical and emotional reactions to social events. It sounds as if you're familiar with the symptoms. You can recieve a script the same day. There are side-effects of the meds to consider and you should ask your doc for the specifics. Don't worry, you won't grow an extra head!
I wonder if some of what you feel at work is not apathy, but numbness to less serious tragedy. It would be understandable in someone who sees trauma on a regular basis. Does your service offer counseling to you for such conditions? I think it would go with the territory. My favorite author, Joseph Wambaugh, a retired LA police officer, mentions "emergency service burnout" in several of his books. If you reflect on your feelings, even after the fact, you do have compassion. Lack of compassion or empathy is not a feature of SA. Difficulty connecting to others is. But as you know, it's not for lack of wanting to.
I understand fully what you mean about not wanting to talk because of the fear of being boring. I'll have to ask my therapist if that is part of SA, but I have it too. The main feature of SA as I understand it is the fear of doing or saying embarrassing things to such an extent that social interaction is diminished. To be seen as boring would be embarrassing for me. I could aslo connect that fear to a fragile self-esteem.
I often feel that others are more interesting, entertaining, animated, expressive, etc...... Though I know I should never compare myself to others, I can't seem to apply it. I want to be funnier, smarter, more interesting than I am. I used to be that way. A few traumatic events in my teen years changed me, but the memory of how I used to be haunts me always.
I'm hopeful that I will finally get a handle on it this time around.
I really identify with you about meeting, dating and flirting. I just don't. It's not an answer, but whenever I find myself in a potential situation, my nerves skyrocket and no matter how I try, no words will come. If they do, they sound dull and boring to me. I think the panic I feel is remembering "all the other times" and crap, it just happens again.
I've noticed a change though with the Zoloft. Do you ever feel like one problem you have communicating is timing? Like, someone says something, and you race for a response, sometimes blurting it out without thinking it through, or, the opposite, by the time you figure out what to say, the subject has moved on? With Zoloft, the timing is corrected. That or that initial panic is not there and I just feel more calm about thinking my answers through.
I've been prattling on for hours. (hope I'm not boring you). I'm glad you came on. It's great to have others to share with. It sounds like you definately do have some wonderful qualities. I hope you find a way to help you deal. I've used meditation and breathing exercizes with some success. I also use visualization to rehearse successful experiences. Because of our phobia, our self-esteem is lowered and positive affirmations and self-talk can help with this. But most of all, if you can, check into the meds. I don't know how it works, but it does.
Also, I've recieved a huge benefit from being able to come here and "talk". It is a way of socializing without the pressure of face to face. I've found that I'm coming more out of my shell because of the great support and kindness of everyone here. I hope you will make this a regular stop too

"This too shall pass...."