I'm sorry Sophies. I don't mean to sound defensive. I desperately want to communicate with outside people, but I don't want to come across as though I expect them to "fix" me, or my situation. I know that's on me. I let myself get here, and no one is to blame for that but me.
I guess, mostly, I just want to be heard. I know that some day I'll be gone...likely by my hand or his. As time goes on, I sense that moment is getting closer. I just feel this urge to 'tell my story'...to maybe prevent someone else from this life. Even in this anonymous way...I just hope to help someone else.
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they're not helping me. Everyone here helps me to feel some calm. If someone else out there is just starting down a similar path...maybe I can help them have the strength to get out before it's too late for them.
As much as I want this life to end, I don't want to leave feeling like it was all in vain. It helps me to think someone out there can be prevented from following the same road I've gone down.