So this past Friday my gp Dr gave me a preliminary diagnosis of bipolar 2. I know it fits but that doesn't mean I accept it. I've got my psychiatrist appt in April to hopefully get things figured out. But here I sit thinking my thoughts that run like the Flash around my head bouncing around and destroying everything in its path like Taz the Tasmanian devil. Unable to focus and concentrate on things that must be done. Everything is humming with life and I want nothing more than to take off and humm with it. Every color is vibrant and deep with color. I want to dance with the clouds. The zyprexa made me sleepy last night with my first dose. This morning I was so tired that I couldn't drive myself to work. I wandered arounn the apartment and fell back into bed to sleep for a few more hours. I don't want to sleep but I fell asleep despite my brain it runs and runs but still I sleep. The thoughts didn't stop they kept going round and round. But I couldn't make them stop then the meds kicked in and unconscious I was. Upon waking they were there as if they never stopped and they ran the entire night on a competitive loop. I have been reading Bipolar 101 and have decided that it is helpful. I need to maintain myself and find my triggers. How can I sit and focus and look back across my lifefor triggers that have always been there. Like my senior year of high school when I slept 2 hours a night went to school did marching band and maintained a high GPA. I was that way most of the year with masturbation running rampant, because my sex drive was up. I remembered things. I made it to college the fall of 2006 and depression hit full force. Started seeing one of the concelors on campus to be diagnosed with depression. Started medication that never really worked became suicidal got admitted to the hospital in spring of 2007. Diagnosed in hospital with PTSD and medicated for the depression. Then life went to hell. I want to exercise. I want to run and jump and swim in the sky. Its so blue and inviting. If only I could fly. Once around the world and back on solid ground. I want to take part in everything and dance the dance of life. Without a care, with only good things and maintain the energy to do everything. I love this feeling. I want it to never end. To dance forever and enjoy the sunlight on my face. Its such a wonderful thing to be this happy and excited and full of energy. Can this sound I hear be real? Or is my mind playing tricks on me telling me that I'm special and everyone needs to know about it. I can speak to the treesand plants and they understand me. I can dance on the wind. And sing with the birds. Why can't people appreciate the things I do? They should respect me. What is wrong with people. This is long and so random. But its a wonderful blurred slightly crazy mess. I'm so up that nothing can hamper my mood.

Tig