Hello panic attack. Who invited you to the party?
It's always been this way. Except, it used to be that when the subject would somehow come up I would shut down inside and emotionally curl up and guard my deepest darkest secrets. But now that I've opened up about it, every time the subject comes up I get a panic attack. When someone makes some offhand comment, or the subject comes up in a joking way, I just shake. I can't talk. I can't think. I can't do anything except what my instincts tell me: HIDE. Get away from it! Run!
I feel helpless and I don't know what to do about it anymore.