I don't know if I'm actually causing episodes, or just catching onto them just before they hit. But every time I have an episode lately, it seems like I was just thinking about bipolar or previous episodes a couple of days before.

I want to blame myself for causing episodes, because sometimes it feels like I'm only having an episode because I'm thinking about it. The episode hits and I almost decide that I did it on purpose, purposely chose to feel manic or depressed. Last week I watched Stephen Fry's bipolar documentary. A couple of days later, boom. I had a short upspike and then a depression crash.

So am I causing episodes by thinking about bipolar things (occasionally the thoughts are "I remember when I felt manic, it was kind of cool") or am I drawn to thinking about the bipolar stuff because an episode is coming anyway?

I'm not doing anything to cause them like going off my meds.