I don't know. Sometimes it is difficult for me to discern what makes me who I am. Feelings, both positive and negative, are who I am. I do not understand what I am outside of those feelings. I didn't know there was a such thing.

I've had 24 years of constant therapy, 7 institutionalized. Yeah. We've tried almost every medicine on the list (and some which aren't). I have allergies to most of them so I cannot take them. The ones I'm on now are okay but not strong enough to make me feel safe. I have expressed this to the new doctor. She, among others, have already reached the point of "Well, sweetie, there isn't much more we can do for you." I don't like hearing those words. I feel with age it is getting worse. I feel myself becoming more and more dangerous. I will do anything to not be locked up again in those places. They are hell. If they want to again I would just tell them to save some money and just kill me because they aren't going to do anything I haven't already seen before. I mean, I'm in my 30's, had to shamefully go on disability after working my butt off for a decade and going to school. I sometimes think those hateful people have a point when they tell me I am a waste of life. What the hell good am I for if I can't go outside or interact with people on a functional level? It's just that it doesn't hurt when I say it about myself because I know where I've been. It hurts when they say it because they haven't earned that right. They haven't been there.

Yoga's not an option because of my muscle weakness and arthritis slowly eating away at my knees and hands. After the injury in '06, I am not to put any weight or stress on my wrists. It takes me about a minute to climb 5 stairs on my porch to get to my door. Mindfullness. Not sure what that is. I'm guessing it's where you don't think about anything for a period of time. The ADHD and OCD will not allow for that. I can't turn it off. I've tried. My brain is like a TV, always turned on, annoying advertisements, terrible songs, memories being replayed and everything. I've tried a lot on this and cannot turn it off. A former martial arts trainer tried to help me with a focus exercise and could not. I told him that I had ADHD and he said I would never be able to achieve it, then. A lot of adhd medicines made me violent.

So many times. You just don't even know. Something's not clicking, I guess.

I understand that but tell me this: Why is it that I can go the first four years of my life being starved, locked in a closet, beaten and neglected; then the next five years being beaten and verbally demeaned; then the next in state custody, institutionalized in state hospitals and group homes, getting beat up all the time by bullies (I mean like the worst kids off the streets); then the next working hard and still getting bullied (although to a lesser extent), then work and work and work, trying to make the best decisions I can until the latent schizophrenia I inherited from my mom along with the worst depression I have ever had, and bipolar AND people still treating me like a disease

but STILL find it difficult to hurt anyone on purpose?

I can't do it. I can't willingly hurt someone like that even after all I have been through, even after hating the human species like you wouldn't believe, I can't do it. I meet people I dislike all the time. I find myself in situations where hurting them would be easy and I could get away with it but I just can't. I want to, though, but I want my target to be someone who sets kittens on fire or something like that, not just a person having a bad day.

So what the hell could a bully's excuse be? Many of the ones who picked on me (at least at the public schools) had it MADE compared to me.

Bully: "My mom hates me."

Me: "YOU HAVE A MOM?"

For the most part, I get where people are coming from but it's difficult to misinterpret: "What a psycho *****! Get the **** away from me."

Now, I have said things, which I meant strictly as an observation, but people often took them as insults and I don't know why. If it helps, I've had less of that particular problem with more intelligent people. People who aren't so bright tend to misinterpret almost everything I say and take it as an insult.

I've asked her to up the frequency of the sessions. Wish I could get her on a day when I feel like this because then she can see it and have a better idea of where to go from there. I don't generally go around my loved ones because I don't want to freak them out. They get panicky when they see me like this so, the last few years, I just lock myself in my room until it is over, for their protection.

Appreciate it. Still can't immediately agree with fighting the feeling of inadequacy. It is there for good reason, trial and error and through my own observations and the observations of others. The five people who do value me is a fluke. It may also be because they haven't seen the worst side of me, or, if they have, just have a low tolerance and high patience for people like me. I do not grasp the concept of my value, as history has always shown: I am the kind of person who gets in the way, therefore, people would be happier if I didn't exist. I believe they would, too. I believe they would feel some relief that they don't have to worry about me as a burden anymore. They can be free.