I just let my boyfriend walk out of my life for good. I feel awful and like such a sh*tty person for not being able to love him like I should. He's everything a girl could ever dream of. He was willing to be with me, even seeing what a wreck I can be and how mean I can be. He was willing to be with me knowing that this damn BP2 will probably never go away. He has such a huge heart and I just shattered it to pieces. Again.

Idk what else to do. I was just being honest with him about my feelings without trying to hurt his. I just couldn't take seeing the hurt in his eyes b/c he could feel the distance from me. He deserves so much more than someone questioning their feelings and love for him.

We were together for 9mo and have broken up 3x. He came back to me every time. I guess I feel like I've questioned whether or not I liked him from the gate. Then I decided that I loved him and was just subconsciously testing him. We talked about our future and I really saw him in it. Now idk what I see or feel.

I feel like I don't have the feelings for him that he does for me. I feel like I'm not head over heels madly deeply in love with him and I should be. This sucks so bad. I really wanted it to work out with him. I can't force myself to be in love with someone though.

Idk why I can't. Idk if I'm scared or have this wall up or if its this *****ng disorder or what... I'm going nuts trying to figure it out.

I guess there's no reason to try to figure it out anymore though, I just let him walk out of my life for good and I didn't try to stop him even though he pleaded for my live. Wtf is wrong with me. I really hate myself right now.

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