Hi Breadfish,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Please consider telling your therapist about your cutting.... srsly... pretty please!

I'm just being mother hen-ish because I worry about you saying you are cutting yourself "deeply." DEEPLY - operative term - is pretty scary... plus if it's not helping only "making you angry" then it doesn't seem to be "working" - whatever that might mean in your case.

For me, myself - if something I was doing just made me angry, I'd want to explore why I was angry - who with - what for?

These are all really good questions that your therapist could really help you answer I think, if only you would tell him / her.

I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to solve this by yourself... I really do. I validate that - God I hate it when my therapist says that to me! - but I DO! The thing is that "deeply" sort of implies "dangerously" and the bottom line is that you wouldn't have posted here about it if you didn't want help.

Wanting help, to me, means that your goal IS NOT suicide. That's a good thing, neh?

Wouldn't it be a freaking shame if you accidentally cut yourself too deeply just one time too many and wound up in the emergency room, a psych ward (even worse, please trust me on that), or worst of all dead?

This isn't meant to be a "ooooh scarey" tactic of a post - it's meant to be "of concern" and motivational. I'm not so good with either I guess, but my two bits says tell your therapist. She won't have any magical "fix" or anything, but sure as the sun will rise in the morning she'll have some tools in her toolbox to help you figure out just wtf is going on.

Anger isn't a "good" emotion, but it at least can be useful depending on where and how it's directed. Being angry at yourself for compulsively cutting on yourself in order to get some relief that never materializes just doesn't seem to me to be all that productive and let's face it... if you could "solve it" yourself you already would have because nobody likes to be pointlessly angry.

Anyway... I guess this turned from a "check in" into "tough love" - sorry for that.

Just sayin - talk to your therapist. Believe it or not, we spend a whole bunch of years learning stuff, what I call my "toolbox" that pretty much everybody (like if you got a whole BIG bunch of people in a room together and asked them 'how do you deal with X') already, collectively, knows. The thing is, most people - not even therapists (surprise surprise - sarcasm there - ok, not even Jesus) know them all.

But the more people you ask, the more likely you are to find a "tool" that works for you.

Silence gets you nothing but scars or worse.

I know you don't want to shift the focus of your therapy, but in reality whatever it is that you are working on that you don't want to shift focus from is maybe... heck, even PROBABLY.... related to your self-harming behavior... ever think of that?

"Confess" the one might help "solve" the other - just sayin.

Hope you're ok otherwise. Please take a least 60 seconds to consider what it took me 5 minutes to write... Advice from a stranger is worth what you paid for it, I know... but sometimes it's not bad and who knows...?

Be safe.