I think I give up on my pdoc. I've been with him since last year and I still don't quite feel myself. I see him once weekly and he's forever changing doses of medication or introducing a medication or taking one out or reintroducing it. I never know whats going to hit me next.

I just don't feel like myself. I remained med free for four years and was relatively stable before having a full blown manic episode last year. It was horrible. I then fell in to a deep depression then a mixed episode. And then a mild hypomania episode this year. All whilst on so called medication when I was never like this off meds.

Right now I feel like a walking zombie. I have no ambition or zest.

And now to the point. My work have sent me a 3 page letter expressing concern over how sick and unwell I have looked every day this year. Since the start of this year I've been experiencing major anxiety. This has dissipated somewhat since the introduction of seroquel around 2 weeks ago. But basically my work are asking me to consider one of 3 options.

Remain on a 0.9 time fraction thAt I am currently on. Or go on a 0.4 time fraction (as if I'd just cut my salary in half) or take a payout package until June leaving now (and seriously as if I'd take that option!!!!!!!!!)

I have never received a warning letter. I have never been put on performance review so they have nothing against me. I go to work. I do my job. I'm a teacher.

My biggest mistake I reckon was disclosing my illness to them last year. I should never have do e that because it's as if they are going out of their way to look for signs when right now I am not even having an episode.

My current pdoc (who my husband says he wants me to "fire") says my mood is stable now and the school can't just fire me on mental health grounds.

I just feel really uncomfortable with the letter. It's like the school wants me out.

Sorry for venting but I just needed an outlet and a place to express my feelings. I am feeling so disappointed in myself. I used to be so much more than this.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.