This is going to sound like it belongs in Health, but trust me, as I've nearly worked my way into a panic attack tonight, it belongs in Anxiety.

I have a hematologist (blood dr.) appt. Tuesday and I'm already on red alert, just waiting for something to turn out to be wrong. It's completely irrational, because I look and feel fine (if you don't count the zillion pounds I've gained from the fricking Risperdal I started in January -- sigh) and logically I know there's nothing wrong. I've been fine for the last 13 months now.

I've been having to screw with my blood thinner level more than usual lately, but I never feel like that's going to kill me. (I mean, I know people who have had issues while ON blood thinners, but I've had 4 clots and never felt like I could die from one, even though it's certainly possible. I don't know why I discount the possibility so much.) I'm just laying in bed having visions of something going wrong and needing more transfusions and $5,000 shots of growth factor and whatever, and I wonder if it will ever end. I mean, I've got myself so worked up on Sunday night that I need a Xanax in advance of Tuesday afternoon!

Having (barely) survived a life-threatening illness, am I doomed to this forevermore, every time I have a hemo appointment? Why am I doing this to myself? Has anybody else out there been through something similar? I can understand freaking out on anniversaries -- and I do -- but this is a garden-variety, every-3-months checkup and I have no problems or symptoms to report. There are those who tell me it's attention-seeking behavior, but believe me, I've had enough attention based on health problems to last me forever. I don't want any more! I want to be a regular, normal person living a regular, normal life. Anybody can figure out why I persist in stupidly freaking myself out, would you let me know?

Candy