Thanks for the thoughtful response, Rapunzel. Many good points. He does need to be more assertive and set good boundaries. That's something he's working on.
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Originally Posted by Rapunzel
May I ask how old your son is? If he is young, he will develop a routine for answering those kinds of questions. And how you teach him about this will shape both his self-image and his perceptions about other people.
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He'll be 29 on Friday. So, he's been dealing with this for a long time without having any effective strategies. He's tried just saying, "I'm from Kansas," and "I'm black and white." He's been accused of lying when he tells the truth - by more than one person, including a cop. So, he feels like the truth doesn't 'work' as an answer. I do think ultimately he feels intruded upon by the question. And I think on some level he questions whether he has the right to withhold the information.
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But just saying something like "That's a personal question and I would rather not talk about it" is assertive - just setting a limit and is well within your rights in most circumstances.
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That's a good response. I wonder if it would work with the kind of person who would out and out accuse you of lying about your own ethnicity or birthplace? I suppose if they pushed back, he could just continue repeating the same line until they gave up.
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He should be taught that people don't mean to be rude or inappropriate, but are just curious, and that he can be confident about who he is and about setting limits when he doesn't want to give personal information.
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My son tends to be paranoid, so I'm working very hard on helping him understand other people's possible motivations for what they do and that it's usually about themselves and not him (i.e., they're just curious; they're not judging him).