When I look in the mirror, I see failure. I see someone who has tried to take their life when they have two beautiful children. I am reading a book from the view point of a child who endured the life long struggles of a depressed mom. In the end the mother kills herself and it seems as though the child could move on with her life. Not to have to deal with her mom anymore. I can see now what I am doing to my children. I want to go but am scared. I know I am destroying myself with my self abusive behaviors, but will I die? I dont know but I just wish someone would take me away. I hate myself when I am awake and I hate myself when I am asleep. The sadness inside is unbearable and I can't take it. It hurts so much. When I am awake, I think about what i have done and what I am doing now. When I am asleep, I have nightmares of the past. Many of these nightmares play over and over again. Its driving any sanity that I have left away. "My wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just to real, its just not time that can erase." I am confused about my life, my kids, and my uncertain future. Maybe my kids would do better without me? Maybe peace would finally come. For everyone.
Elizabeth