Hello all! I just joined PsychCentral and hope that from this community, I can recover from my ED. I've decided to post and document my journey to recovery from bulimia and binge eating. First, let me give you all a background on myself, where I'm coming from, and what I believe to be the origin of the disorder.

I am a college student majoring in nursing. I have a pretty general understanding about all of the eating disorders and had learned about them prior to the development of my ED. Funny, since I'd thought in that lecture for my nutrition class, "why would anyone want to inflict such harm upon themselves and deteriorate their bodies?" well..... I further gained an understanding of the psychological aspects driving the disorder in my psych rotation. Rather interesting of the perceived body image, loss of control, etc. I identify with a lot of the sx. So what I'm trying to say is that I understand the ED, their health tolls, and the psychological factors that play into these disorders.

I'd just like to say that prior to the development of my ED I was rather active, making an effort to exercise 4-5x a week with a conscious effort to ensure I ate healthy foods and eliminated processed ones. I mean, I did learn quite a lot from that nutrition class, don't get me wrong. I had always said "oh I feel like I don't have self control with food. I love and enjoy it so much!" jokingly, of course, and one of my friends making the connection with how often I had worked out so much replied, "do you think you're bulimic, because over-exercising is considered a compensatory mechanism to binge eating." I had honestly never made the connections at the moment, yet thought nothing of it. Around the time I was taking that nutrition course, I would stress eat when tests would roll around. I felt disgusted with how full I was and pondered the idea of self-induced vomiting. So I tried it, thinking, "oh I'll never do this again" yet this behavior continued until summer came along. I came home from college last summer and had a desire to lose a few pounds. I was average weight but wanted a more slimmer figure for and during summer. I was able to drop around a good amount and as a woman with a petite figure, it was rather noticeable. Much of my friends had complemented my slimmed figure and asked me questions about my weight loss. I explained to them it was a healthy diet and exercise, nothing too difficult. However, sometimes in the evenings I would binge on random snacks in my home: popcorn, trail mix, cereal, nothing too heavy, and purge. I had also religiously used a calorie counting app and restricted my intake to the "recommended" amount. I eventually had gotten used to such little calorie intake, and I didn't mind! It wasn't until I had gotten back to my university that things started to unravel.

I knew it wasn't possible to restrict myself to such little, few meals everyday for the rest of my life, what was I thinking? Anyways, I had gone out to eat more often, drank more, and my trips to the gym weren't as frequent. I still planned my meals accordingly and continued a healthy, balanced diet. However, I began to gain weight and soon after I got a new job at a cupcake shop, which I believe to have been my trigger.

I was surrounded by dozens of cupcakes and different kinds of sweets (I actually wasn't a huge fan of sweets until I started working here). My trips to the gym had almost completely stopped due to how many shifts I was taking paired with the workload in my classes. I came home with half a dozen cupcakes and would eat it for dinner or snack, no big deal. As I continued to put on more pounds, the pressure to lose it doubled. I would purge after eating these cupcakes, feeling guilty and disgusted myself, yet would binge on them the very next day or that same evening. Sometimes it got so outrageous I would binge and purge half a dozen cupcakes in one sitting. It came to the point where I would binge on all the snacks I bought: granola, bread, bars, mixed nuts, tomato soup, you name it, I've probably had more than my fair share. This behavior became so chaotic and I was always preoccupied with the time of my meals, what I was eating, and what everyone else was eating. There was never a waking moment I wanted to binge on everything and anything, and when I did the vomiting soon followed. It got to the point where I was doing this 3-4x a week up to 3x a day. This continued for another 7 months then I knew had to quit that job. Although I was never diagnosed, I knew I met the diagnostic criteria for bulimia nervosa, yet was too ashamed to seek out the professional help.

Today, I still continue to binge, however, it wasn't as severe. I'm still very conscious of what I'm eating and how much and still associate food with comfort and binge eat. However, the self-induced vomiting subsided but I continue to make an effort to exercise as often as I can. I had noticed that my cheeks were puffier (chipmunk cheeks) and was the opposite to what I wanted. Although the vomiting stopped due to aesthetic reasons, at least it stopped right? I still can't buy snacks for myself because I'm scared I'm going to eat it all out in one eating. I purchased almond butter and have been going at that non-stop. I just need help regaining control in my life and divorce the relationship of food and emotions. It's difficult, but I know I can do it. I still binge today, on healthier options, but binging is binging. I haven't told anyone that I've done this and continue to do so. I don't know if I should bring this up with family members, friends, or even seek professional help.

Getting this off my chest was much needed though and is therapeutic to be able to finally post and tell people about it. If anyone has any tips about controlling the urges to binge, I would love to hear the feedback from everyone else and hope to use this thread as a way to check in with myself and document how I'm feeling