I am twenty years old now, and I knew I was a problem child. My parents always told me that it started as a baby, and they went through so many diagnoses for me before settling on one (which I am now going to challenge and work with my pdoc about. He agrees it doesn't seem to fit anymore). So, I finally asked if I could see the file we had on all my evaluations and everything that ever happened with me.

It was... Enlightening, to say the least. I knew most of it, but there were some things that really stood out to me and also surprised me - as I still do them today! We think I'm autistic, more specifically having Asperger's and reading through this really strengthens that belief.

But, I'm going through many mixed emotions at this moment. Such as feeling guilt over how my parents had to deal with this (specifically my mother, as she was the one who always took the full brunt of my anger. I'd hit her, kick her, hurt her all the time) and she's taking Zoloft now and never said why. Always said it was just to give her extra help through out the day, but I think she takes it because she had so much trouble with me. I also feel happy in being able to see this from an adult perspective, and I was also terribly amused with some of the things that were written.

Over all, it was a very interesting experience, and I'm glad that I was able to look through it. However, I will not touch the journal my mom gave me to look at, from her perspective. Something about seeing everything from my mom's perspective compared to the evaluation reports from doctors, makes me on edge quite a bit. That, and even though she was going to share it with me, I'd much rather she tell me in person if she ever wanted to share it with me.