Over the past 2 weeks, I have been restless angry dreams toward the man who abandoned me 4 years ago. It seems impossible to me that I could still have such submerged feelings, and I hate it that they sandbag me at night, when I am defenseless.

We had two dogs, and when he left me, he suddenly stopped being the "dogfather" and it was all my responsibility. One dog was young and needed to go to a farm, and went to a superb home. The other was a mutt and neurotic. She started chewing doorframes during thunderstorms without a companion. Paul found a home for her with a friend in Alburquerque. But within a few months, she'd been run over by a car and killed.

My dreams are about wanting to scream at him that it's his fault this happened. It isn't really, though, because she had been a feral dog and was an escape artist. I went to great lengths to keep her safe; I never would have left her tied up in a front yard in the city, like his friends did, though.

I promised her, when she was a feral puppy I found on the streets and so scared, that I would always keep her safe. She's the only dog I ever had that died under the wheels of a car, and I feel so guilty that I didn't keep my promise to her.

And these feelings that come up at night -- they practically cause seizures in my chest. I hate it.