Hello and welcome to Psych Central.
I know that you are looking for answers regarding your issues with God, but everyone is allowed a certain amount of suffering to become the person that God wants them to become to serve himself and others. The best thing you can do for yourself to serve God, is to get the help you need at this time for youself to be the best person you can be at this time. The first step in any question is to feel part of the answer. I think and feel the Most important step is to feel like you are a person you want to be by getting the help you need to be stable and take things one day at a time from there, and try to be around people that make you feel wanted and respected and make you feel like you make a difference not only to yourself but to someone else as well. I hope you make many friends and aquaintences here that make a difference in your life and I think in time you will grow to see things in a different manner in which you see things now at this time. There are a lot of good and understanding people here at Psych Central that can help you on your journey and I hope you will let everone help you to find what you are looking for in life. Take care Soidhonia.