So I was so nicely manic for a while, got so much done and felt pretty great and now in the span of about 48 hours everything has gone to hell. Why- I have no idea. Meds are the same, life is the same... it's just this stupid unfair world will not allow me to be happy. My dr. wants me on lithium. I used to take it, actually had a few stints on it, and I hate it. The mood stabilization makes me feel dead, flat, sad, tired. My dr. says it's how everyone feels and I'm just not comfortable with it because I'm used to the extremes. Is it really how everyone feels? That is really too bad if that is the case. Maybe taking a pill to control mood is just stupid anyway. Maybe this is just me, and I'm trying to undo it with meds. What if I'm meant for something more, but meds never let me achieve anything that I should? I have so many questions. I forgot how horribly painful depression is, not just mentally but physically. I feel like my limbs are concrete. I'm thinking of just cutting the xanax and trying to be strong enough to get through this bad period, then maybe I'll come out the other side and I'll be well. I've only cut the xanax for 2 days and already panic attacks. Maybe they will stop? Who the hell knows? Why won't I take lithium? Should I? If anyone has advice, whatever it is, please share it.