...and now I feel wretched.

Honestly. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was fine earlier and ultimately I feel it's more straightforward. But I feel kinda humiliated, or something. Like I tried to take something that wasn't mine, by saying I was potentially interested, and could we discuss it further.

Apparently, it's off the table because the manager of the clinic went ahead and appointed a PA so it's done and dusted. I get that. Timing in the world of employment is everything. I think what was difficult to swallow was hearing about an exciting project they'll get to work on, there's a real chance for this person to make a substantial difference, and it will be rewarding - ironically, I get to benefit from this project in a different way, so I should be grateful. But I felt embarrassed and didn't really know where to look. And I was too embarrassed to say I felt the loss of the closeness that she had suggested might be a good idea.

I know I need to be an adult about this. It's just unfortunate that I feel like a child in the playground who has no friends and was invited to play, and then told it was a whopping great joke. I ****ing know this. I think I'm smarting because several times my mother dangled exciting plans like a bloody great delicious carrot and then backed out.

I feel guilty now as well, for feeling like this. I felt we went a great length to resolving the mess of last week's session - not all of it, but a good inroad, in an adult way with good contact between us. I have a bone deep feeling that I have a lot of work left to do with this particular therapist, but I just feel so hurt and alone no matter what she does or no matter what was I twist and turn and try to reframe things. I said to my brother earlier what if this is just who I am at my core not a bad person (I'm done thinking that, yay therapy) but just an empty disconnected one who is always dissatisfied and insecure, no matter how much people might try.

Right now, I don't even know if I feel any connection with my T anymore. It's like I feel the fence springing back up between me and every other human being again. This is how it always is. Somebody comes along and for a while there's no fence, and then they see something in me which makes them recoil, and they click their fingers and suddenly I'm on the wrong side of the fence again.

I don't know where to go with this anymore. I take everything too personally, but its either feel it or shove it away, and I'm supposed to be not shoving away, but feeling it is pure ****.