Quote:
Originally Posted by Freewilled
I may be projecting....I know I am, in part, because I'm struggling to believe myself right now. I just think if I'm mentally ill, how do I know what little I do remember from my childhood is even true? And why can't I remember a lot? Why do I blank out during sessions? Am I just losing my mind? And my T is sitting there watching me lose it and breaking it down to medical jargon or "clinicalizing" it..... I don't know. And I find it difficult to be open to talking about the fuzzy memories I do hold or that come to mind during sessions because I DO NOT want to speculate. My mom went to therapy for years when I was a kid and the entire experience was scary. She had lots of horrific memories come back. I think I have a phobia about it happening to me and I also worry things like, "what if the stuff my mom thought wasn't true at all and they were false memories?" - all that needless suffering  I can't think like this though or it gets too bad. So I have to force myself to hang onto what I can and those around me. Hope they're safe people /: |
(hugs) when I questioned my memories and behavior .and feared she was not believing me she said "when things are ok kids act ok " in the end something was amiss. things were not ok and this is the hard work.to be able to work with your T to put together your story. I have memories of never wanting to talk in school. of hating teachers and all the kids. I remember just walking around the playground and never engaging in any activities etc... just keeping to myself. I have recently found evidence that tells a different story. when I was younger it seems I was very hyper in school and talked a lot . what I remember happened later in school after the mother dealt with the situation. I had not remembered that part of me being in school .
memories are a funny thing. one thing I am doing that seems to help in figuring out my story is to make a time line using concrete things in my life as a reference. it is not an easy project and slow going but it is helpful in remembering. and I think T seem to believe in our history more then we do at times .