You know it's funny, I've had my suspicions that I may have ASPD, but never sought to enter therapy for fear I would be diagnosed. I only recently began therapy, but I still try not to let her know the true extent of what I feel. Much like yourself though, I have always felt that the way other people treat each other and the way in which they almost effortlessly build relationships was alien and foreign, as another poster so eloquently described. However, the reason I began therapy was because firstly I wanted to know why the world doesn't make sense to me, and secondly I don't ever want to feel like I have felt, where my urges, violent urges, have almost manifested themselves. One could say these are but a byproduct of my upbringing and environment as I was raised in a crime ridden neighborhood with the usual driveby shootings, armed robberies at grocery stores in broad daylight, home invasions etc. I mean I used to be able to keep these feelings of stress and intense hatred for everyone under control while I was in contact sports as a kid, but I found that as soon as I stopped the urges to hurt others began to build and build until they eventually came out most often as fights at school for what I look back now on as the stupidest and most insignificant things. I don't know maybe it was where i grew up, maybe it was that i was tormented as a child both at school and at home. Either way, i have noticed that while hurting people through my words also tends ease this 'stress', I can't say that there is anything to me like when I've hurt people physically. It's weird though, sometimes I am ashamed of these feelings whereas other times I feel that they are an inevitable part of my character now which cannot be separated, only controlled or suppressed.

Regardless, when I have communicated these things to my therapist I've have seen her grow more and more apprehensive towards me as our sessions go on. I sense on one hand that she is almost afraid to be in the same room with me, while on the other I sense that she dislikes me but only doesn't display it more prominently as she thinks I might strike her or assault her (though I never would). Overall she is put off by the way I talk so freely and comfortably about violence and how I don't really think much of it anymore. It's almost comical how I can see the horror in her face as I tell her things about myself and I know she's connecting it to some b.s she learned in her classes.

However, in the same way that I have thought that I may be a sociopath because of these things I have described, I also think I may not be because sometimes I want to change (or at least I tell myself I do). I also tend to hate myself just as much as I hate others. It is because of this that I have wanted to kill myself, that is until the other part of me pulls me back by saying that there is nothing to be ashamed of.