Paynful...this makes perfect sense to me. Late last year (Nov/Dec) I had some digestive issues, and I secretly hoped that it was a terminal illness...because it would be easier than depression. The result was depression causing the problems. And I ruminate about not wanting to be alive. I think that is what passive suicide means. I wake up wishing that I was no longer alive. It is that I just want a relief from the pain...I'm glad that you reach out on these forums.