I understand this perfectly. If there was a button I could push to end my life, I wouldn't press it, but I don't exactly want to be conscious either. It seems my only relief from the pain is sleep - - and I'm only given the luxury of that about 6 or 7 hours a day. The rest is hell and emotionally tortuous with no end in near sight. I guess what that means is I'm holding out due to some hope that this 8-month long depressive episode will end some day. I just can't end my life, but I hate living too.