I think I've reached a "glass ceiling" in my life. I'm almost 25 and I don't know where to go from here. I've had depression for about 2 years now and lost all passions in life. I asked myself what I want out of life, as I reckoned that would drive me to achieve something, but low and behold, nothing came up. I sit with 3 university degrees behind my name, great and supportive research colleagues and all the potential to do anything, but I hate it all, and I don't know why . I've enlisted for a doctoral degree now too, but I just did it because I don't know what else to do. I'm basically a puppet for whoever wants to give me something to do for them (I mean research projects and lecturing, and the like). I lie daily saying I'm very happy with the decision I've made just not to make my colleagues nervous as they have invested somewhat in me (time not money, luckily). I hate myself so much for feeling this way because other young people would kill to be in my position, they are so hungry and willing, and here I sit, not happy with anything. Why am I such a miserable, pathetic excuse for a human being? As I sit here, I feel no emotions whatsoever. I've given up on love also. I'm at such an empty and low point in my life, that there is now only one thing I still enjoy a little bit - eating junk food. I've been fat for as long as I can remember, but I just don't care anymore. Going down to the fast food outlet is now the only reason why I still wake up everyday, nothing else would make me get up. This is so ridiculous, I can't believe it myself, but it's true. I really wish that I won't wake up in the morning anymore. I genuinely look forward to dying as that would be something different and exciting, different from the daily grind. I can't actually believe that I hate myself this much. I would give anything to be positive, but I don't think I've ever thought one positive thought my entire life. My entire life has been one long episode of negative reinforcement and criticism, it's like the air I breathe. I think I've been depressed my entire life, but only understood it's existence since 2 years ago. Guys, sorry for the long post, but I just see no way out. I'm really scared because on rare occasions I have weird demonic-like episodes where I can get really irrationally angry and do really stupid things and I'm surrounded by a lab full of poisonous and flammable chemicals. I really need help as I don't want to do something bad to myself. Luckily, my anger is usually directed at inanimate objects or myself and it immediately stops when someone else walks in on me (how pathetic!). I really want all this just to end - this feeling of emptiness and nothingness.

Thanks for listening,
Adrian