I am a 26 year old male. I will explain my current situation, then back track.

Currently I am a software developer. Been employed at a few different places and have been doing this for quite some time. Current salary is 125k per year + bonus depending. I used to love computers and everything about them. I used to love learning new languages, and expressing myself with them. I think programming shaped a way of thinking that I use every day. There is problems that need to be resolved, and different ways of fixing them. I really have enjoyed it. Lately I have been not enjoying it at all, and the computer screen just makes me get depressed(for work). Now to back track. I went to private schools my entire life, from k-10. In the 10th grade I was removed from the private school and put into a public school. I failed two classes, and they just can't tolerate that. One was religion actually, which is quite funny because any private schooler knows that it's one of the easiest subjects! My attendance became quite horrible, but I really hated that school. I was very mistreated by some of the kids, and things would happen like (people break into my locker) and I get blamed. I remember the principle just going A wall at me so many times, and I would be thinking, what did I do? Another instance was, some guy 2 grades above broke up with his girlfriend, and he got mad in the bathroom, and pushed me to the ground to get out of his way, I then proceeded to pick up a broom to defend myself if I was struck again, and I almost got blamed for attacking with a weapon, it was nuts. The guy was a popular football player as well, this didn't help me.

Getting thrown out of that school was the most traumatic experience I've ever had. Everyone I grew up with was in that school(many others as well). At the same time it was a quite abusive situation. Even to this day, I really felt the faculty did me wrong there.

Fast forward junior year, I went from 5'7 to 5'11 over that summer. This new school was huge. 2,500 kids+. I knew a few people there, and it was quite different. My new friends were all basketball players and quite popular. In a large school like that, you have many popular groups, but this was for sure, the most "popular" if that makes any sense. Over that summer, I hit the gym hard as well. I became quite "built" in my junior year and loved it. It was quite different, I was somewhat popular by association, and not to say people were "scared" but I was never picked on at that school. To be honest, the large size of the school made it so in a way, it almost felt like a community college or something and people didn't quite pick on each other (from what I could see). The last school was 150 kids per class, and everyone knew each other. I always thought of that as , familiarity breeds contempt. In all reality, I have nothing against anyone, it was just kids being kids, the faculty at the old school was to blame for their handling.

Junior year was all A's until about January, I then decided for some unknown reasons that I didn't want to goto school much anymore. Alot of this is attributed to me staying up to 3am programming when I had to wake up for school at 6am. I became addicted to programming back then, it's all I wanted to do. Junior year I ended up failing 4 out of the 7 classes per semester. So, shame on me there, but still enough room to fix.

Senior year, I was still addicted to programming. By this time I started to make some money, and I stayed home more and more. I probably almost put my parents through an emotional breakdown here. Now the computer and a programming editor is where I felt accomplished, I felt a rush every time I completed a task. This is quite common in programming and is why there is so many hobbyist. Needless to say, I pretty much failed half my classes that year as well. I needed 20 credits to graduate, I think I had 17. One was a career class funny enough, where all you had to do was show up. Really all the classes were that way. Only thing you would actually have to learn process to was Math, the rest if you just show up, you were good. Interesting enough, Math was my favorite course, I would always goto my 7th period math class. Many days I wouldn't come to school, I would still show up to 6-8th periods so I could goto math. Teacher was great too, she really liked me.

Needless to say, at the end of the school year, I didn't really feel like I "failed", I never was like "oh I drop out!" or anything like that, I never felt like any of the failures in the classes I didn't goto affected me? Or maybe it did and I just told myself it didn't. I can pretty much honestly say though, I felt really no sadness or disappointment from that in itself. Some of the other kids who didn't graduate were crying, and you know, the school drug addicts mostly, or just the bad kids might be a better way of putting it.

After this, my parents moved, and when they did, there was a new school. I never resumed my studies there, I didn't know a single person and again, I really didn't know why I had to do it? What was I missing? Best of all, I had programming! I could code in Python all day, or Ruby all night. I could open up vim( a program) and code all my C code to perfection. This marks the end of my schooling career.

Most programming jobs a college degree is not a requirement, so I have no issue there. Even the ones that do, calling the head of the department you want to work in, expressing your interest to them. They will call H&R and tell them to "overlook" that requirement. Even if they don't have that requirement, I still call. Half the time, I will just get the email of that head of the department, send them my resume, and they forward it to H&R. This works so well.

Summer of 2008, I went on so many job interviews, and got awarded quite a few of them. Maybe out of 10 or so I would close 6. I wouldn't take them, I was treating it somewhat like a game. I found it somewhat fun. It became easy for me to build trust with these decision makers. They would bring in other tech people to "question" me, and I would strike up conversation about old programming languages (if they were over 40). I learned from this, the traditional way of getting a job. Giving your resume to H&R and "hoping for a return" was a complete thing of the past.

I believe those principles work for just about any job as well, some more than others. I just hate the fact I'm going to get thrown in a pool of 200 other people, and I just have to wait to hopefully be picked out of that someday. Some people might say I try to trick the system, go about it in unconventional ways. You can get very creative in the ways you attract attention I've found.

I never took working seriously either, between 2006-2010 I probably had 5 or so actual programming jobs, and I would do it for a month or two, then quit.

In 2011 I accepted a senior position as a programmer, and that is the position I have now. The people are great, and they seem to love their jobs much more than me. I actually still live with my parents. They're so loving, almost maybe to a point where it's bad. My savings are pretty good as I don't spend that much.

But I have a huge problem. I feel so empty, lost and disoriented. The last few days, just randomly I've been breaking down crying. I have no reason to explain it, except for when it happens, I feel like a straight failure. I'm pretty sure this all stems from not completing high school. Then just as strong is the pain of not having a bachelors in computer science. You know even through my ignorance in later high school. I think education is the single best component of our natural life. I've read over 50 programming books maybe more. I think without education, life can be very unrewarding. I'm probably a bigger education activist than many with PhD's. I truly believe education is just so great. Many computer science people play down an education, "it's not all that important". Or the classic, "do it if you want too".

I can't not even explain how much it hurts by not having one. It's a burning feeling. If I had one, it would never even really do me any good. Without moving to silicon valley, getting above 125k is going to be very difficult, that's the "ceiling" for good programmers these days. The degree really won't help my career , but it surely wouldn't hurt it.

So why do I have this pain?

The same activity which gives me revenue now, is what has taken away a chunk of my life, such a devil in disguise in a way. Or maybe I’m to blame for not knowing how to control it?

I’m glad I’m realizing all of this now, it’s just I don’t know what to do. Goto college and make that burn go away? Or maybe the burn will still be there because “I should have completed this at 22” would still be in my ear or something. Continue working and saving or do both at the same time?

I know it sounds like my life is a mess, but I hide it so well though. Only by myself do I let my true emotions show.

How do I go about making clear decisions, should I base them on what someone else would do? Should I base them on what I want to do? Quitting my job seems like a horrible idea to many, but it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me. Then again, living off savings is never fun.

I know I have some problems, I’m just not sure which ones. Can anyone help and give me any insight or any advice on how I should be thinking and planning my future?

I really appreciate it

Thank you