You can be wrapped in a potato sack yet exude femininity, so it is most likely the thoughts you have and the unconscious body language those thoughts and feelings and fears create that are pushing people away, and not the lack of specially designed clothing.
Being over 6 feet tall used to be hard for women, but nowadays with tall fashion models, men are much more used to tall women. If you are so tall, being overweight should not look so overweight on you - your height makes it forgiving. Undoubtedly, it is still easier to be shorter or same height as most men are (I am 5'4'' and yes, it is a very convenient height) because your height might be intimidating to some men, but, again, with the advent of fashion models, height is no longer that much of a concern.
Your strong suit is your musical ability, and you need to capitalize on it. Women who exude femininity carry their bodies with grace (that is what makes it possible to attract high quality male attention being in a dirty potato sack, though nothing is wrong with dressing nicely if you feel comfortable in your clothing - if you do not feel comfortable in the clothing that you consider "sexual", you will look completely
ridiculous/clumsy in it, so it is better not even to try, but if you know you will
feel comfortable and move comfortably, go ahead and
buy nicer clothes). For you, the obvious choice is to take dance classes, because your sense of rhytm and musical ability will enable you to succeed. Dancing will lead to ease of movement, grace, etc. It does not always help, but if you have at least some ability, dance practice will increase it greatly. If there is no ability to be graceful, dancing does not help (I have seen it happen), but if there is at least a bit of innate ability, dancing would quadruple it. Since you are a musician, most likely you have dancing ability at least to a modest degree, and dancing is what the doctor has ordered for you.
I do not remember if you once asked about being sexually preoccupied. Let me search my inbox. Yes:
"This discharge form said "are you sexually preoccupied". I don't think I'm addicted to sex seeing as I'm a virgin and I masturbate probably 4 to 6 times a week. But I do think/talk about sex a lot and I do probably view myself as a solely sexual object that no one wants."
http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...eoccupied.html
So you definitely are sexually preoccupied, and you have an incredibly twisted mind. Incredibly. Your therapist seems to be doing nothing to help you untwist it. Your choice of words is telling. when you described your clothing, the fitting term would have been "unisex". You used "asexual". I have never seen that term even applied to clothes! So, yes, preoccupied. You also used the term "my rapist". It is the weirdest word usage I have heard. Not even going into the fact that you have not been raped lately so all of it is just some useless hypothesizing, but "my" is usually used positively - "my friends", "my music", "my clothes", "my pets", etc. If somebody were to rape me, I would refer to him as the person who raped me, and not "my rapist" because
I do not enter into relationships with rapists. Actually, several weeks ago my car was broken into at night, with lots of damage (close to $2K because I had lots of clothes in the salon that I planned to return to Macy's next day - I have learned my lesson and would never leave anything in the car overnight again). I would not call the guys who broke in "my burglars", because I cap the damage at close to 2K. If I start calling them "my burglars", then I would be
entering into a relationship with them, suffering further damage. I think close to 2K is plentifully enough and do not want to suffer more damage. That you have these relationships with hypothetical rapists going on in your mind is just incredibly twisted.
These are just two examples of your language use that is REALLY WEIRD. I mean - OK, if not "unisex" clothing, then "baggy", "loose", "bulky" - some
physical description, but nothing with the word "
sex" in it (in the word "unisex", "sex" means gender and not "sex"). Maybe even "masculine", but no, not "asexual". Never heard of "asexual clothing".
Since the therapy seems to be completely useless, I would drop the therapist and spend time and money on dance classes. Since you are a musician in college, you probably have plentiful access to high quality dance instructors. Utilize them! They are there to help you succeed. Drama (acting) might be another good idea. I have not personally taken either, and would love to if provided a chance, but I cannot carry a tune myself
.
If you continue with the therapist, the therapist needs to help you to become more straightforward. I realize that what you are posting only provides a glimpse into your thought content, but even that glimpse shows a very twisted, unnecassirily complicated picture. Say, viewing yourself as a sexual object that nobody wants... very twisted and complicated beyond belief.
I also cannot comprehend how you have lived till age 20 without only negative interactions with men. How about boys at school? Or did you go to an all-girls school, K-12? Did you have any male teachers (I know in some schools all the teachers are female)? Do you have a mix of female and male teachers now that you are at college? One would think so. So why do you not count those men?