Hi porcelainchild

I am sorry you lost your sister. I don't know what I would do if I lost one of my siblings. What I do know is you're not responsible for your sister's death. When such a tragedy happens we want to make sense of it so we grasp at anything. It may make sense to you because you have a ritual, but your sister's death was at the result of a conglomeration of events.

I have experienced an unexpected death and that happened when I was a child. A friend of mine was riding her bike and was hit by a car. The other deaths I've experienced were expected. What I have learned/believe is the souls of those we lose stay with us. They are always a part of our hearts.

You are grieving right now and it hurts. This process is going to take as long as it needs to take. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Cry, scream, punch your pillow, but remember all the good times you had with your sister.

(((HUGS)))