...and wanting to talk to either old T or new T about it but knowing that old T will not have a good response for me and new T doesn't know me well enough to say much on the subject, although it is definitely an important thing to bring up with her, sooner rather than later.

I think I live in a perpetual state of guiltiness, and feeling guilty over really stupid things that make absolutely no sense to feel guilty about (and then feeling guilty about feeling guilty!), and sometimes the guilty feelings are less present and sometimes they're more present. Today, for absolutely no reason I can think of, they're more present. I don't know why. I was fine yesterday, but today my brain is just going insane.

In the past ten minutes I have felt guilty about the situation with old T, the fact that I need to see a T at all, the situation with mentor figure, the fact that I need a mentor figure at all, the fact that stupid irrelevant things people tell me about their parents upset me so much that I then act in ways that are detrimental to relationships, the fact that I'm meeting real potential mentor on Monday and I told the program coordinator that it was important for me to have a mentor who wasn't necessarily married but respected my views on the general acceptability of marriage (this was a stupid thing to say, although I got my wish - potential mentor is married and thus obviously believes that same-sex marriage is acceptable and not perpetuating hegemonic patriarchal heteronormative structures and so on...), the fact that I am so excited to meet potential mentor figure, the fact that it feels like I'm betraying my mother by desiring a mentor figure so much, the fact that I need to go grocery shopping this weekend but don't have time, the fact that there's something wrong with the washing machine and I have neither the time nor the energy to figure out what it is and lack the wherewithal to diagnose the problem as long as the thing is still functional, the fact that I'm still disappointed that my father said he would call me on my birthday and didn't, the fact that I could call my father but don't really want to because I'm annoyed with him, the fact that I'm focussing on an essay for my favorite course instead of writing the essay for my not-favorite course that's due the day before the other one...

All this guilt in the past ten minutes. And these thoughts have been in my head all day.

I've spent the whole day being super focussed on schoolwork and trying not to think about this stuff, but the thoughts just keep coming back. They're exhausting and I wish I could talk about this with T and she would help me figure it out, but now that our work is effectively done, that is not going to happen, and new T isn't going to know how to help me until she gets to know me better. The thoughts make me crazy...how do I just turn them off?