I know how you feel, I either, have bursts of guilt, or anger its a viscious cycle stuck in a stateof mind of nothingness, im sorry you feel this way, and sorry im not sugar coating it, im sure you dont want that, you want the truth, our minds are wired as such, thoughts like that just pop out, from nowhere, and its a horrible feeling, not to have somebody to vent with that gets it.

most people in real life dont get it, its such an internal state of pain and confusion, like a toothache of thmind and soul, something, you cant just jog away, or just distract from. You need someone to hear you with empathy and nurturing. I get you yearning.