Honestly, I don't even know what I want to say! There's so much, but it's all such a jumbled mess in my mind.
I tried having a casual conversation with my husband when he arrived home from work. As is typical, he walked off when I was mid-sentence like I wasn't speaking at all. He closed himself in the bedroom and was watching tv. I frustratedly asked him why he walked away in the middle of me trying to talk. His response was because he had better things to do (watch tv alone in room) than to listen to whatever stupid thing I had to say. In all seriousness, I had an urge to calmly walk to the kitchen, grab the largest knife I own....and live peacefully ever after in my well worth it prison cell. Instead, knowing realistically no one would really care the reasons why or understand the full depth of the hell I'm living, I simply walked away.
My youngest is turning 3 in a few days. I have been working on potty training with her for months. She seemed to be doing really good, but for the last two weeks she's reverted back to so many 'accidents' I've had to put her back in pull-ups. This is just frustrating me.
My 4 year old son is starting to pick up his fathers behaviors. Hitting me or his sisters if he doesn't get his way. Calling me and his sisters stupid. Cussing. Yelling. Even worse, his father laughs and praises him for this. This is only going to get worse as he gets older.

I just want to give up. I've tried getting away from my husband, but he wouldn't leave me alone. The police wouldn't do a thing. Took him a couple of over nights in jail for public intox , but nothing that did anything to deter him. Those times only made it worse when he got out. I was denied a restraining order because they said he had as much right to our kids as I did. I was moved out for TWO YEARS and he never relented. Several times he reminded me "til death do us part", until I finally gave in and moved back because what was the point??
In truth, I'm quite torn. I don't want to leave my kids to suffer with him, but I want to be free of him. The only way to be free of him is death. The only reason I haven't just done it is because than there's no one to shield my kids from his stupidity.
I just want a normal life and my kids to have a normal life. It's too late for that though so what now? I guess I just continue to feel void and cry when no ones watching and ...I don't know.