No, I don't feel guilty for being interested in the job, I'm embarrassed and muddled about that really - I feel guilty because I let this mistake of hers tarnish how I feel about the rest of the relationship. I mean, we all make mistakes. We all **** up sometimes. I think it was a big mistake of her to suggest this, when it wasn't even a realistic idea but when I weigh up all the good she has done/ keeps doing, it far and away outstrips the mistakes. And the wise old soul part of me knows it's a blessing in disguise to not work for her. It's just the immature puppyish part of me that feels gutted at losing the opportunity to positively bask in close contact with someone important to me.

I've never been one for grudges, except with my mother which I can't seem to get past, poor her

No, I'm not going to write a letter of thanks to the manager. I don't understand that, why would I? She has nothing to do with me (or my therapy) and I think that would be quite passive aggressive and bizarre. What I will do is email my therapist and outline how I feel about it. She did ask if I was hurt, and I said no, I was disappointed. But I don't think the entirety of how I felt hit me until later on, when I was sitting in my doctor's surgery and suddenly burst into tears. Everyone saw, it wasn't cool But I don't think this all had to do with the job, at all. It had a lot to do with mother stuff which is not related, the job thing was just the fetid icing on a rather rotten cake.