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Originally Posted by Perna
The problem I see is one cannot know a person ahead of time and what people want and how they behave is often at odds; you are complaining about behavior (getting into relationships with people who don't appear healthy, respectful and have good boundaries) but what are we doing in those relationships in the first place ourselves? To be so makes us one of "them". Too, I do not see how one can avoid people who "eventually" are going to bring one down? One cannot know the people before meeting and getting to know them?
I feel like it is like being a "C" student and wanting to be around Rhodes Scholars? One first has to become a Rhode Scholar one's self and then one will naturally be around those scholars. We cannot learn to set boundaries around people who already have good boundaries.
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Boundaries work both ways, but it seems the OP is speaking more of respect and consideration than JUST boundaries. If you are respectful and considerate but don't have practice with good boundary setting, you will reconsider if you value the friendship and see your behavior is hurting someone you say you care about.
One can absolutely learn about good boundary setting from people who already have good boundaries- because most of the time they are pretty explicit about it, and why they are or are not doing X... you learn by example.
You can not know all about a person when you first meet them, but if they balk at you saying you can not do X, Y, Z for them because it negatively affects you [but you do support them in ways that are respectful of both of your needs]... they are not a great friend.
This is not a crazy idea: that i express what I can and can not do within the confines of a relationship and express when my needs are not being met because the other party is not being respectful of them, and the other person does the same.
What is crazy: the idea that my needs do not matter, the other person's needs always do, and I am a bad person if i want to take care of myself.
People who have depression or any other number of mental issues do not necessarily have to "bring other people down". It is how they treat those they care about and how respectful they are that matters. I have some friends with issues that are at times debilitating [I have those issues myself], but I feel they understand I have to take care of me, and at some point they are ultimately responsible for their well being.
But it's not like we don't cry on each others shoulders or that I won't talk to a friend at 3 in the morning or help them come up with solutions for something.
And health relationships require work from both parties- some people are simply used to relationships with little to no work. They are often not terribly rewarding in my experience.