Hi. I'm new here but not new to dealing with depression. My son, now 14, has been dealing with depression since he was in the 2nd grade on and off. Now as an 8th grader he is struggling so severely that I feel like the entire family is spiralling out of control. His psychiatrist for the last 3 years claims he's in a "severe deep depression" that he is now on 2 antidepressents for. Major doses of them too. Still he is depressed. he has a history of self harming that I thought was under control but I think has come back in the last week. In elementary school he was depressed and anxious all the time but he was still able to live a somewhat normal life. He went on vacations happily, went to family dinners and get togethers, had a lot of friends at school (none close friends but people thought he was likeable and stood up for him if he was being bullied). Once he hit middle school our lives spiraled out of control with his depression. It started out mildly but has now taken over our whole lives. he started out by wanting to stay home from going out for dinners or movies with us. No big deal, we thought. He was a teenager now and wanted some privacy and time alone. We noticed he learned about the birds and the bees and he started seeking out stimulation on the internet (pictures/videos). my husband had a talk with him about how those feelings were normal but how he didn't feel the videos he was choosing to watch were totally appropriate. Then my son isolated himself more and more. Over the last 3 years (even with counseling and psychiatric care) he has now turned into a teen who rarely leaves the house for anything. He refuses to go out to family get togethers, or eat at restraunts with us. The last 3 family vacations we went on with him were disasters. He refused to leave the hotel rooms, opting to stay in and surf porn (we found out later) rather than go out to enjoy activities with us. When we force him to accompany us somewhere he acts out like an angry baby. He acts paranoid glaring at people or constantly looks at his watch. Last week we forced him to go to his nephews birthday party and he got so mad at us that he went, went outside to the backyard, and put himself to sleep in a chair for the whole party! It is so embarrasing taking him places because of the way he acts out that sometimes we just give in and let him stay home. I know that is probably making the problem worse but sometimes I feel so trapped that I need to get away from him to just keep my sanity. I feel sorry for my daughter, who just turned 7. She does not understand why her brother acts this way. She has grown to accept that he does not like her or anyone really in life since he is always so grouchy. She never expects him to spend time with us or anyone else. She is genuinly surprised when he even comes out of his room to watch a show with us anymore. I feel like such a failure. I have gotten an appointment with a new psychiatrist that is not until May. I feel like the psychiatrist he sees now keeps telling me that he is majorly depressed and that the meds he has prescribed are what he needs, but nothing ever changes. he's never happy. Something has to change. I am so scared for his future. He only has 1 friend that I'm aware of. He has a reputation of being angry, depressed, and wierd. Even our family members who used to spend time playing games with him as a child now see him and sometimes talk about how negative he is and how he is a party pooper that noone wants to be around. I don't have a support system. My mom and dad care much more about their travels and themselves than my family. my husband is enstranged from much of his family. we are utterly alone. the walls are closing in and I feel like a prisoner in my home. I spend most days trying to shelter my daughter from my son's mood changes. Either my husband or I take her on a vacation every summer (we try to coax our son to go but he refuses and we know what it is like when we force him...EVERYONE has a bad time then). We are even afraid to have our daughter have friends over. What if he is having a bad day (and most are bad days) and her opportunities for friends coming over get lesser and lesser? Like it or not we are all judged by his actions and attitude.

He does not care about his grades but we have always told him "C"s and above or no wifi. Well, he has an "F" in math and has not had wifi for a month now. at first it hurt him but he is used to it now and he does not even care enough to try to get his grade up. We took his phone away because I checked his messages and he was texting kids inappropriatly (cussing out a boy because he was dating a girl that my son likes. lying about ridiculous things like buying expensive jewelry and limo rides for the formal dance for this girl and claiming he's lost all of this nonrefundable money now that she is going out with this other boy. The girl in question does not like my son. He has asked her several times the past few years to date and she always says no. It is almost like stalking. very scary!) So no phone and no internet. I would think that without his only source of interaction (internet) he would try to get his grades up. Nope. He just simply does not care.

I am at the end of my rope. I feel like such a failure. I feel alone. I feel desperate for change. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I am a good person. My husband is a good person. My daughter is a good person. yet we are all being judged by our community and family in response to my son's uncontrolled depression and eternal moodiness. I need some hope. I need something to hold onto.