Thanks everyone who replied!

I too am living in a constant fear of a repeat performance, even though I honestly feel like what happened to me was for the best. I can relate so much to the feelings of total embarrassment and guilt, especially when it comes to kids. My little one still remembers that I left home I do hope that the fact that I have returned means more in the long run.

I guess my experience with mania can be summed up by this phrase I really like: "Only after losing everything one can gain true freedom". I did gain freedom from many of my own insecurities after everything that happened, because I have finally realized that even a total and complete defeat isn't the end of the word.

I believe that the things I said and did were true representations of my feelings but not of my values and convictions. Those got temporarily "switched off".

I do know myself better now and I see that my family, career and friendships all benefit from it. But I'm not so sure I would keep my positive view of this illness if I were to go manic again. One time was more than enough!