Friday, I couldn't leave the house due to pain in my heel. It's better today, and I see the doctor on Thursday to get the result of some x-rays of my heel. The surgery to fix the tendon problem causing this is a miserable ordeal that I'm not interested in having. I'm not even sure what was the point of having the x-rays. The problem is obvious. There is a big lump on my heel. No need for an x-ray to see it.

Last night and today, I've taken some hydrocodone to ease my state of mind. Once in a while I do that, and it sure helps. I'm not having pain, as long as I'm off my feet, but becoming more and more depressed. Lots of things have gone wrong with my life and I think of suicide as something that will eventually be the best option for me, but not for at least a few years. I'm not in any danger any time soon. My S/O's health is going downhill fast, and I'm over at his place a lot helping him. It is dreary because he finds it too hard to leave the house and hardly ever goes anywhere with me anymore. He is pretty content to watch TV all day, everyday. I get everything done for him that he needs and it shows me how important it is to have someone to help when you get older. (He is about 20 years older than me.) I won't have anyone to help me the way I help him, which is why I think a lot about suicide as an escape, if I ever get immobilized.

I'm in a hopeless frame of mind. When I had foot surgery 11 years ago, my S/O was able to help me in every way . . . shopping, cooking etc. Now he isn't able. That's why I don't want the surgery on my heel. But the problem is getting worse, and I see myself as eventually ending up in a bad jam. Money can solve a lot, if you have enough to hire help when you need it. I don't have, so, again, I see myself as someday being stranded.

I've struggled with depression all my life. I functioned fairly okay and depended on no one most of my life. That all changed in 2010 when things got bad after I lost a pretty good job. I ended up on SSDI and I went for all kinds of psych help. It doesn't help, and I've given up on it. I do take this one antidepressant that does make things less awful. I was put on a bunch of other psych meds that did absolutely no good. I just go to the pdoc and get my script for the one med I take and I keep taking it. But I don't discuss anything much with the pdoc because it's pointless. I have zero interest in any further visits to therapists.

They say depression is "treatable," but I'm sick of hearing that. So is cancer, but treatable doesn't mean fixable. Cancer wins in some people, and so does depression. They can't do any more for me. I accept that my life will get much worse, as I get older. I've pushed myself hard a lot in my life, and I managed to keep myself going. Now I just want to stay asleep or get slightly high. I know this shows I have no character, and I'm willing to admit that as 90% of my problem. Other than here at PC, I don't talk about any of this to anyone. There is just no point. I tell myself to just hang in with things for as long as my S/O is alive, which I don't expect to be more than a year of two, if that. He would be stranded without me.

I used to react to a bad episode of depression by going out and partying a bit. I'ld wake up with a hangover, and then I'ld be in pretty good shape till the next bad episode. In between episodes I'ld get a lot done, and my life went along okay. Now I never drink excessively and I keep getting these episodes with little good time in between. I wish I could "tie one on" like I used to and feel better that way. I am going down hill, and I don't see any hope of reversing this.