I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 2 years ago. I'm almost 20 years old, and female.
My medication seemed to be doing it's job until recently.
I feel beyond hopeless with myself and my future. 3 months ago I got out of a 1-year emotionally abusive relationship. That really damaged me. I have no friends, only some people that occasionally hang out with me but aren't really truly close. Everyone I know (like through Facebook) have a lot of friends and are always out doing fun things, it's obvious people enjoy their company, and it's the complete opposite for me. They're all happy in relationships, getting married and such; have good jobs or going to the college of their dreams. I've been in and out of so many relationships it's like I'm never going to find the right guy. The last two, since the beginning of the year, that I thought were going somewhere ended up leading me on and then ditching me. Guys just don't want to commit to me, I guess. I was sexually abused at 15 by an 18 year old while he was in a relationship with another girl, and then when I told my closest friends about it none of them believed me and thought I was just looking for attention. I began cutting myself at this age and considered suicide a few times. When I gave my virginity away to the first guy I loved at 17, he left me for a "cute Japanese girl" (his words) and was legitimately smiling and joyous the very next day. He told me he was not just relieved, but happy to be rid of me. After that I tried to cope by sleeping around, but obviously I only felt worse.
I don't have a job and it's overwhelming how many places are rejecting me one after the other. I am quiet and can be awkward to be around and social situations make my anxiety flare up, no one wants to hire someone like that. The last place I thought I was going to be working at for a good time decided they didn't think I was good enough for it. It was a hostess job, I couldn't even bus tables and seat people properly. I've quit applying because it's pointless, I won't ever amount to anything career wise. I'm convinced that I'm completely worthless to both myself and everyone else in the world. I'm a waste of a life and never should've even existed in the first place.
All I ever do now is sit at home because I'm so depressed and tired, it takes all of my energy to leave the house and do anything. Putting on a fake smile is incredibly painful, which is why it's hard to be around people right now. All people ever do is hurt me and make me feel bad about myself. I've gained 5 lbs which makes me so angry and sad at the same time, I thought that I already was fat before and I absolutely despise my body and how it looks - and I'm not exaggerating when I say despise.
There is literally nothing going for me at all and I have no motivation whatsoever. I honestly wouldn't mind just walking into the middle of a freeway and getting hit.