dissociation is a very sad fact of life, for those of us who were unbalanced for whatever reason as kids, or even as adults. those many times where we were 'blacked out' and didn't ever find out it was happening, or didn't believe or understand,, those things can never be made right~ sadly, what we may remember as abuse, others might have felt were our 'just deserts'. i know my family believed in teaching by the use of pain.

however~! this is now. you are a different person. it sounds like you have calmed down a lot, and you are finding meaning in helping others. are any of your family doing that ? doesn't sound like it. you are the better person for your work to become one.

i understand your grief. loss is never easy to bear. we are social creatures, needing close ties to feel safe. i hope you find those ties among people like yourself, who are working for a better world, and a better self~!