(((Jane))),

You are working "through" so much, others just want to support you and let you know you are not alone, to have patience and as you keep working through it "slowly" you will make some positive progress.

My T explained to me that as we experience life, and different challenges that may affect us in absorbing a combination of sights, sounds, negative interactions from others, or even things that may traumatize us, our brain stores all this information in different areas. Some of these areas don't have language to them, so when we are triggered and re -experience emotions or anxiety or depressed feelings, we don't always have the "language" there to go with them and can have a hard time being able to articulate it not only to others but also to ourselves.

When a trigger takes place and a challenging cycle takes place, it is important to understand that it lasts for a period but if you are patient you can slowly learn how to be able to put it all together and finally articulate it. As you slowly are more capable of articulating it into a message/story/situation, you will finally be able to mourn whatever is challenging you deeply and as you do that, you will make "gains" and begin to slowly "feel better".

My therapist told me that what he had to learn in his practice, was that what helps the patient the most is to "stay calm" and listen and realize that his role was to be a "witness" for his patients, and to support them as they work through whatever has caused hurt or harm to them that they didn't realize they never had a chance to really process before. A patient really needs to know/feel that they are "safe" to express whatever emotions need to be released and worked through too.

Jane, as you work through whatever you have stored that has challenged you, along with the kind of interactions that may also have "hurt" you in the past, you will begin to learn to see how a lot of people develop techniques for "self protecting" that can actually become unhealthy ways of "self protecting and feeling a sense of empowerment and control". As you begin to learn more about this and how these behaviors in others have nothing to do with "your worth" in reality, but instead are only the "inadequacies on how others have matured, or not matured", you will feel "less threatened". You will also finally be able to figure out areas where you have not matured because of how you may have had to maintain yourself in these different "unhealthy" interactions. That is not something a child will understand, or even a young adult. But it never, ever meant that you were ever unworthy or failed at anything. Just about every single person who is older will say "if I only knew then what I know now", so Jane, everyone can look back and see things in their past that they could have done better, "if" they had only known.

My therapist told me that part of the "healing" is also to finally "mourn" whatever was "lost" too. A good therapist "knows" this and will be there to support, and witness and validate whatever a patient needs to mourn. You are at the point where you "do" need to go through this part of your healing, and that is why you need to feel that your therapist will stay on board during that process with you. This is what our parents and family should have done for us, but unfortunately many people who struggle don't have that kind of parent or family, that has to be mourned too. ((Jane)), I have had to mourn that myself "big time", so I will be the first one to tell you that I definitely know how challenging that part is. Jane, when you shared how challenging your holiday was, I do know first hand how hard that is/was for you. But, I also know that you can, finally get to a point where you finally "can" heal from that and "mature" beyond that too.

Jane, some people go through their entire lives thinking that it is "important to have the right dishes" like your mother has exposed to both you and your sister who also struggles with being in the presence of your mother. You need to get to the point where you finally see that for what it is, mourn it, have it validated, and finally get to the point where you no longer are bothered by it.

Jane, I think that your going back to school, wanting to improve your life path, that you have "goals" is really "good". While you are doing this, yes, you may experience different triggers, but that doesn't mean you should stop moving forward, just continue to do your best to move forward "to the depths" of you and if you keep on that path, you "will" notice more and more "gains".

What is so challenging about PTSD, is how triggers take place and bring forward things we didn't realize hurt us somehow. It doesn't mean we are suddenly "incapacitated or should feel guilty or unworthy somehow" though. Actually Jane, many people struggle this way, and have in the past too. It is actually part of how we are designed to ensure we continue to adapt, learn, share, and evolve as a species, it is also behind our strong urge to develop "language" but also "written language" too. Most mammals express this through "adaptations in developing ways to self protect", however, if you really pay attention, much of the life around us has developed ways to adapt to survive and thrive too.

Jane, everything you work through, learn, grow through and even mourn you will gain wisdom that you will share with your son. You are already paying attention to being a good mother, and he is reacting to that with how he is thriving and developing positive self esteem and looking forward to engaging life more and more. That is what it is all about Jane. As you adapt, he picks up on that in ways we actually don't consciously realize. The generation we are living in now, is becoming more and more "aware" of that too. We are learning more about the brain than at any other time in the past too. In many ways we are lucky because there is more validation taking place then at any other time in our history too. You are a part of this at a time where you "can" be heard, unlike that past. You are not alone Jane, so keep on learning, gaining, and growing. As you make efforts to grow, you will be choosing to "not" be like your mother, who didn't provide you what you needed, but you can "change" that pattern for your child. It doesn't even matter if you are married or single either Jane, because your son is going to grow up in a world where many of his piers will be experiencing parents that have parted ways for some reason and he is going to need to have skills to adapt to that without
if affecting his desire to "thrive and grow".

OE