Thank you both for your replies. It is a bit of a shock to realize that it took me over 20 years to fully realize it, but there you have it.

I am very much coming to the realization that the best way forward is to keep contact concise and limited, only insofar as we have to deal with the kids. Detach, detach, detach.

Jannaku- you nailed one thing about him that I didn't realize was narcissism in action...his lashing out and defensiveness at the faintest hint of criticism. I learned over the years that I just could not criticize him at all, not even in the most well-meaning, gentle way. To get what I needed from him (for example, some simple help around the house...mowing the lawn...and this from a guy who did NOTHING in the home) I learned I had to use humour, or cajole. I had to 'manage' him,in a sense, and if I wasn't up to it I just sucked it up and did it myself.

Man I am so glad to be not with him anymore.