I'm so sorry I understand that your OCD makes it be even worse (I think to have OCD too). But it's not your fault, really...probably also you know it, when you aren't having those intrusive thoughts. When I was a child I lose two little brothers, but before their birth (it's the first time that I say it)...your experience is surly even worse, but I can understand at least a bit your pain. You'll be well again. I love you