I have a session with my T today, and I am nervous because I have to talk about some of the hardest things for me to discuss. I have seriously negative thoughts about myself that can in a single evening take me from "okay" to suicidal in just a few hours. We tried to talk about them once, but I ended up projecting those thoughts onto my T and thinking she believed them about me even as she said the exact opposite to me. It was not good.

I know they're rooted in my childhood, but it's so hard to discuss them. I feel so overwhelmed and terrified of them and of telling others about them. I feel so much shame about how much I hate myself sometimes, and I also feel like I am looking for attention or something like that when I try to talk about them. It makes it so difficult when I even imagine trying to talk about them.

And it's especially important to bring it up today because I had a really bad day one day this past week, and I didn't contact my T even though I know she would have wanted me to. I need to tell her that. And I am ashamed of it and I am worried she will be disappointed in me and tired of dealing with these things.

Ugh...it's just scary.