I feel guilt and embarrassment for letting myself get to that point and for failing to cope in the outside world. My workplace is very close, so they all know exactly where I am when Im off work and to me that is an embarrassment. Some of those people are not the most trustworthy, but I cant stop the gossip and it goes further than my work, it gets into my leisure time activity as well. I get paranoid in both mood extremes so that can cause some trouble before I end up inpatient, which leads to guilt and embarrassment again.

I hate that I cant do my duties at home while I am inpatient, I hate that I cant work, I hate that I got to that point that I needed hospitalisation. Anger at myself comes through as well. My pdocs say its not different to having a physical illness and needing hospitalisation but I dont completely believe that. I feel like maybe I could have done more or tried harder, even though I try my hardest almost everyday.

I find it hard to forgive myself when I "fail" in the outside world. Im aware this is something I need to work on. I have so much to get through, I've been asking for extra support since November in regards to therapy but its just not been able to be done.