Thanks everyone. I know what everyone is saying is true, but I guess I can't stand the thought of being alone. I keep hoping he'll come to his senses. I do love him, but I think it's become an obsession for me. For instance, I couldn't stop checking his email and looking to see where he was at on Find My Friends. When I knew he was trying to meet up with someone I would go into a depression. I might hint at something, confront or cause a conflict...we'd get intimate and it would start all over again. The jealousy is crazy if we are with a group of people. It drives me mad and when he starts to drink it's worse. He can be mean at times, or overly social and I'm just prone to this starvation of his attention.

I had gone to see a counselor for a while. I think it was good for me to get things out. She had me see someone to get medication for my anxiety, ocd and depression. It helped A LOT in the way of making me able to cope with what was going on around me. I've been very up and down and struggled with any kind of connection with my children. Whether it was a hug or conversation and it is frustrating that I couldn't seem to grasp hold of whatever was causing that.

But, I stopped seeing her and stopped the meds. I guess I just wanted to feel again! And, admittedly, I started to feel like she was boring me, I didn't trust her and I didn't want to waste my time anymore. When I say that out loud it sounds awful but I don't feel bad and yet...I still do.