*Trigger - reference to suicidal thoughts*

As the title says, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep living this way. I am so piercingly alone. All. The. Time. Even when I'm with friends, in the back of my mind I'm conscious of how I go home to stare at walls and how nobody would notice for days if I was murdered, whereas they go home to partners and have parents calling every day. They have a rich tapestry of relationships that I just don't have. I know they love me, and they're there in some very solid ways, but they aren't enough. Then I feel bad for it not being enough. Nothing's ever going to be enough.

I know that I love them too, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything except a cycle of grief and pain, and then panic, and then numbness, and then it starts again.

I have a phone check-in with my therapist tomorrow and it just seems so laughable. What good can it do? What is the point of speaking to her for five minutes or two hours ad infinitum? I don't feel a warm glow at talking to her anymore. I don't feel anything except maybe a bit anxious and embarrassed that I was naïve enough to believe that I could fix myself and become somebody who could connect to others, and be wanted and welcomed, and be part of a network of human beings.

I am fighting so hard not to go down an obsessive spiral of suicidal thoughts. I have given in to some pretty grave self harming behaviours as a 'treat', just to distract myself from what I know to be true - that I'm going to be trapped in isolation until I gather up the guts to kill myself efficiently and not **** it up and end up worse

I'm really failing. I keep calling in sick to work because I'm vomiting from panic attacks. I haven't managed to find full time work and I'm a sinking ship. I'm not taking care of myself - not eating for days, and then binging on a bag of sweets. Being careless with my medication for my physical health condition. I've lost five pounds in the last week or so and that's a danger signal to me that my health is suffering. I sleep far too much because its like suicide without the commitment.

I have times when I'm okay and upbeat - like with my friends, part of me enjoys seeing them so much and having the laughter etc, and doing telephone interviews for jobs I'd genuinely be excited to get - but it's like I can only sustain okayness for a few hours, and then it falls away and the panic and loneliness start to bite my face off again. I am exhausted.

I guess the trust is really gone between my T and I for now anyway, because I am inwardly cringing at telling her any of this. I can't do it. Or I don't think I can. And even if I could, what difference will it make? Nothing will change, I'll still be in the same position I'm in now. I need a fairy godmother, not a therapist.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know the point of this post, except to maybe feel like I have someone to talk to, instead of it just going in circles in my head, hour after hour, day after day.