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Originally Posted by Maranara
Well, around Thanksgiving, I said a few things that my husband's cousin pulled me aside for. I've come to be fairly open about my messed up childhood...it's made it easier to deal with... and she overheard something. She seemed to care in a way I don't see very often.
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You don't have friends, someone seemed to care and I suspect somewhere around here you began to idealize her the situation etc.
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We spent several hours sharing sob stories. She has gone through two divorces and had enough of her own, and we seemed to really connect. I decided to go a little further and mentioned a few BPD traits in a way that it couldn't be directly associated with BPD: "I don't really know who I am.", "When I get upset, I tend to 'phase out' (disassociate)". To every single one, she looked at me and said "so do I!. I thought I was alone in that." By the time I left, I had her pegged for at least four or five traits. I'm not saying she's definitely BPD, but she definitely had some traits there. On my way home, I made a decision, a decision I was stupid for making, but you have to understand, I've been pretty desperate to find SOMEONE here I can relate to, someone who would help me if I needed it or that I could just talk to. When I got home, I sent her a link, the DSM's BPD traits. I told her I'd been diagnosed with it and that she and I seemed to have a lot in common....which we did. She agreed with me on every statement I posed to her that represented the traits.
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I find this whole situation on your part to be dysfunctional, just by the fact you're paying so much attention to what you perceive are traits and you're fishing for that information. You're analyzing her.
BPD traits are only relevant if they present themselves in the proper context which is a pervasive pattern of instability in relationships. I don't get the sense her relationships are all that unstable. She's been divorced twice, so has 50% + of the population. It also appears she's on relatively good terms with her ex. I'm divorced and I hate the stupid ***** with a passion.
Regardless, you're fishing for commonalities which isn't really being all that honest because there's an
ulterior motive behind your questions, which I suspect is the part I underlined.
So you get home send her the dsm traits on bpd, mention that you have it, and that the two of you seem to have a lot in common. You're leading her into drawing the conclusion that she might have bpd too, kind of like manipulating the situation. It appears to have worked because she then discussed it with her therapist, as well as, her ex who is also a therapist and both reassured her that she doesn't have bpd.
I think that you need to analyze this whole situation, and your process of thought what it was that you were trying to accomplish and how you were going about it, because it is dysfunctional. It's doubtful that it will change anything in regards to this situation, but it can be used to learn from so you can try and avoid it in the future.
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She was standoffish to me pretty much through the whole thing.
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May be reasonable on her part. You did try and lead her to believe she might have bpd, and also hesitant because of what she had been told by therapists.
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they told her a lot of things about it...that BPDs were attention seekers, manipulators, turned on you, etc.
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This is wrong? How? We have dysfunctional ways in which we have learned to cope and part of those dysfunctions are to seek attention (we want to be loved), manipulate situations (to get attention / love), turn on people (when we don't get those things). It doesn't have to be liked but it's accurate.
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I asked her if she'd be willing to let me come over if I ever felt I needed to get out. Last time I met her, she claimed to understand and would have said "yes" if I'd asked.
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This is what you REALLY wanted.. a friend, someone who'd be there for you, someone you could rely on and call on when needed blah blah blah.
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Now she needed to "keep boundaries"!! Now, she has reason to not want to take me in...it could potentially cause a family conflict, but "keep boundaries"!!
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I think her need to establish boundaries for her is completely rational on her part. She needs to take care of her mental health first. Also the fact she appears to be in therapy makes boundaries even more important I'd suspect.
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I have no friends here, absolutely none, and that's all I hoped to achieve from it. Now I feel as though I lost the only chance I had for a friend. It breaks my heart. I really thought she'd get it, but I knew better...and I still thinks she has traits...but you know the reputation of personality disorders! All I know is she's been officially pushed, and we weren't that close yet. I can make it stick. It makes me want to go back in to the shell I spent over 20 years of my life in...where I didn't have anyone and was okay with that....but I don't know how to do that part.
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The fact you have no friends is your problem and not hers. You lost 1 chance to have a friend and NOT the ONLY chance. You're still hung up on the fact you think she has traits of bpd. <-- that will get you nowhere with this, but I guess it doesn't matter because you weren't that close to begin with.
Now if you choose you can think I'm mean and hateful OR you can look at what I wrote and see there may be some validity in it.
What you wanted was a friend, someone you could rely on (good). You/we don't know how to ask for what we need so our dysfunctional interpersonal / coping skills kick in and **** things up (not so good). The key, I think, for you is to look at this situation, find your patterns/motives, so you'll have a better chance to be aware of them in the future and avoid this kind of situation.