I was once where you were at. at the bottom of the deepest darkest hole feeling there was no way out. but I shared it in therapy and I found the right antidepressant and low and behold,,,,,the light finally broke thru...that magic wand I always wanted finally appeared and it all went away. I couldn't believe the difference in my life. there is hope. don't give up. talk to your t. get meds. it can get better. I promise. just don't give up.