I have the email open in front of me to send her it, but I keep hesitating. It just feels utterly pointless. I feel like maybe this is something beyond the remit of therapy, it's to do with acceptance and willingness to commit to being alive and creating a life for myself, but I simply can't do it. But nor can anyone else do it for me.

When we were having our bad session one of the things she said was that the unconscious part of me is hugely driven by determination to prove that I'm too much in every way - too needy, drinks too much, too everything, so that's why I go out and be the person who is 'too much'. But I can't get away from my unconscious. I think my unconscious wishes I was dead and now I am just able to hear that more clearly. Therapy can't equip me with a wholehearted committed desire to live though.