I have never officially been diagnosed with bipolar , but I've been in the mental health system for ten years and have seen dozens of psychiatrists and nobody can tell me definitively what's wrong with me.

Right now I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. One moment I am happy and singing and the next I am passively suicidal. It's eight o clock in the morning but I never went to bed, but I'm not manic, I feel depressed. It's not normal for me to stay up to eight am. I am usually in bed by midnight.

It is seriously going minute to minute. It's not even giving me weeks to recover. One minute I'm going to be famous author and the next I'm never going to get off my couch. How could anyone want to take their life? Then I wish I was dead.

Right now I'm very depressed.

Since I've spent ten years in the mental health system, I've come up with systematic ways at avoiding hospitalizations and consequently alerting any of my caseworkers or psychiatrists, but I'm starting to wonder when I will call it quits and just ask for help.

If you think I am being stubborn, I assure you that is not the issue, but rather psychiatric abuse. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, because off a treatment program that was supposed to help me. I would rather not mention the places name, because there's some spotlight on them and I don't want to represent any survivors of this group. I just represent myself. So my ability to trust "help" is limited.

The mood swings are just unreal and I hate having to pretend like everything is okay whenever I see my professionals, when I feel like I am dying inside.