The few friends I have seem to think I'm great, but I don't see that at all anymore. I'm usually pretty confident but these days it's not going so well anymore. As it turns out, I take so long to grasp concepts that I have to download instructors' powerpoints and comb through them for hours after class and over the weekend before I understand or remember anything. I have decent grades I guess, but all my dad ever has to say to me is more complaints about how crappy I'm doing in school. I work as hard as I can without my brain exploding, and still I draw blanks during tests when I really ought to remember something really simple. During the AP test for history my entire memory of Latin American history just disappeared. 90 dollars down the drain and my dad is pissed...

I always feel like I have to save people, which is stupid, but when somebody I know and care about kills themselves or dies any other way really, I just can't help feeling guilty and beating myself up over it. I make all these stupid stupid mistakes and screw everything up time and time again. My parents were talking about that and my mom said "That's what you are, a screw up." I guess I always thought that. I always hated myself for how disappointing everything that I do is. It seems like left and right I'm letting down everyone who trusts me. No matter how hard I work at anything my dad never trusts me to get stuff done on my own, and I guess there's got to be a reason for that. I've screwed up so many things already this year, it's just terrible... And no matter how I look at myself, I can never be proud of myself or like myself anymore. I haven't done anything to be proud of. There's nothing to like about me.

On Friday a girl said we should go out sometime, and I thought she was asking me out, but I guess she wasn't because when I told her I always had kind of a crush on her she said "I hope you're joking," and left... Then on Monday I picked this really cool flower and gave it to this other girl and she called me a creep. I complement people and they call me creepy. I try to have friends and they just treat me like crap and use me until they're done and leave me. There's really no reason I should get to be with anyone anyway, I guess. People have never really liked me, and now I'm starting to see why, and I hate what I see. I want to end it. I don't see how somebody like me could ever have a meaningful life. I've never given up but now seems like a great time to let go...